Embracing Your Authentic “No”: A Guide to Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care
Pearl Knapp-Chiarenza is best known for helping women authentically put themselves first without guilt. Professionally, she is known as a Transformational Life Coach, Author, and Speaker who helps women become the SHERO of their lives.
Providing 1:1 as well as group coaching, weekly community SHERO meetings, and yearly women’s pajama retreats, she loves empowering women to put on their “SHERO Cape” and assume the superpower of a positive mindset despite any challenges life throws your way.
She is a published author of books Behind Her Brand: Volume 6, Behind Her Weight Loss, Success Factor, Yes, God, Against All Odds, Everyday Women Guide to The Mindset of a Successful Woman, and soon-to-release Beyond Skin Deep – Stories of Intercultural Adoptions.
She has been married to Chuck for 35 years and is a mom of two boys Matt (Forever 25) and Nate 23.
Pearl is exceptionally honored to have received a day named after her in Syracuse, NY as well as the Women of Worth Award in Las Vegas, NV.
Can you share a bit about your journey with people-pleasing and how it led you to become an advocate for putting on your “SHERO” cape?
I struggled with chronic people-pleasing for many years. From negating my boundaries to putting everyone else’s needs before my own to caretaking for my family, I was often last on my list of people to please. Taking time for my own needs and wants felt selfish when there were so many people depending and relying on me.
With the support of my family, I started to put on my “SHERO” Cape and began to prioritize my self-care, create stronger boundaries, and begin to truly please myself, before other people. The journey has not been easy, but it has been so worth it.
Being a people pleaser means not understanding that the word “No” is a complete sentence. We are socialized to please other people from a young age and often feel that saying no, or not right now, makes us a bad person, a wrong person. When we people please, we are compulsively consumed with the needs and desires of other people rather than hoping, dreaming, believing, and embodying for ourselves.
Even though I am sometimes tempted to fall into old patterns of people-pleasing, embodying your inner Shero changed not only my life but the lives of those around us as well.
What inspired you to start speaking out about the importance of boundaries and self-care, especially for women?
I realized as I was on my journey that I was not alone, many women carry the generational expectations that we have to take care of everything and everyone before ourselves.
In your experience, what are some common challenges that people-pleasers face, and how do these challenges impact their well-being?
People-pleasing is characterized by caring so much about other people’s needs that you forget to care about your own. When you people please, you are telling your body and nervous system that its needs and desires do not matter, and essentially, shutting yourself down. Over time, this wears on the brain and the body, causing you to struggle mentally and physically.
People-pleasing is a vicious cycle of trying to prove your love and devotion to other people while deeply neglecting love and devotion for yourself.
Your upcoming book, “Beyond Skin Deep – Stories of Intercultural Adoptions,” seems to delve into deeply personal narratives. How do themes of identity and acceptance tie into your message of self-care and authenticity?
We had the honor of adopting our son Matt at birth and watching his struggle with identity and peer bullying brought many mental struggles for him. He wanted to share his story to empower other families walking or considering walking the journey of intercultural adoptions to be aware of the mental fitness of the adoptee. It is our goal that sharing his journey will empower families and adoptees to know that they have to put their mental fitness first.
Stress Awareness Month is approaching, and your emphasis on people-pleasing and boundaries seems particularly relevant. Can you discuss how setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care can reduce stress and improve overall well-being?
Setting boundaries, especially around difficult situations, allows us to create a safe space of our happiness, and the opportunity to communicate our realistic expectations on the path to strengthen our relationships.
What advice would you give to individuals who struggle with balancing their desire to help others with their own needs and boundaries?
People-pleasing will make you well-liked in the community or within your work group, but it does not give lasting advantages in the long run. This tendency will leave you drained, burnt out, and struggling versus enthusiastic and ready to tackle the day. People-pleasing might help you win in the beginning, but it will never be a long-term strategy for success– only a recipe for disaster in the long run.
Love yourself enough to choose the better path, even if it is momentarily uncomfortable. You will never go wrong by choosing yourself.
Could you share some practical strategies or exercises that individuals can use to start prioritizing themselves and setting healthier boundaries?
In 2015 I took an identity and destiny course where at the end of 6 weeks we had to give our “I am statement”. After reading mine a classmate called me out on how I was still saying I was a mom and wife and questioned why I still was hiding behind my titles. I realized I still did not know who I was and if I kept down this path I would be less happy.
So, I decided I needed to step into the sentence NO with focus, grabbing a small rock I committed to saying NO three times a day, and if at the end of the day I had not I needed to find a text or email that I would ensure that I said No to an ask.
It was hard, but the lesson that came was that all my Yes’ wasted my energy and I had been closing doors to others that could have shown up better than what my Yes was bringing!
From this story, I will share two practical strategies.
Firstly, take time to truly get to know yourself—without the titles. Get to know your likes, dislikes, passions, and dreams.
Secondly, embrace your authentic No. Set a goal for how many times per day you will say No—and stick to it! Over time, it will become more natural and your boundaries will organically become stronger.
Your advocacy work has gained recognition, including having a day named after you in Syracuse, NY. How does this acknowledgment impact your mission and your ability to reach more people with your message?
It warms my heart to know that my message is having an impact, but more importantly, my goal is that as the women I work with incorporate the tools into their lives they will be able to break the generational thoughts of our younger women.
Looking ahead, what are your hopes for the future of your advocacy work, and what do you envision for the individuals you aim to empower through your message of self-care and authenticity?
We are about to launch a Poppin Soulful Conversations with Peal tour around the country in June where we will be traveling in a vintage camper converted to a bougie mobile living room to meet women having meaningful conversations on the importance of the sentence “No” to others so that they become empowered to become their own SHERO becoming stronger, happier, empowered, radiant and original self by taking their dreams off the shelf. As we do so, we will also be reaching out to local nonprofits offering self-care swag bags to let the women know they are not alone in their journey.
Connect Online
WEBSITE: https://www.wsliving.com/
INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/pearl_chiarenza/
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